Gabrielle & Jaden

For Gabby and Jaden, the scars from each of their chest surgeries are badges of honor. They are not just physical. They are emotional reminders of all that a transgender person experiences as they journey towards a life as their true authentic self. Finding a partner that loves you for all that you are is a dream come true.

 Talking about the finished portrait with Gabrielle and Jaden brought them to tears. This portrait reminds Jaden that he and his true love are at peace with each other and the world. “No matter how much shit we get on the outside, we can always come home to each other and be in peace.” For Gabby, this symbolizes that love can transcend all physical boundaries. “This is the first relationship that I've been in with somebody that sees me and not my genitalia. When he met me, I had not had any surgeries. I was all natural. He was fine with who I was. I wasn't his little secret.” As a trans woman, particularly a trans woman of color, dating can be difficult and even dangerous. “It is nice to be seen and treated as a person and not a fantasy.”

Through tears and much laughter, Gabby and Jaden let their story unfold. Fortunately for both Gabby and Jaden, they have the support of both of their families. Gabby’s father went with her to the courthouse to change her name. In his honor, she kept her middle name as Charles, her birth name, which was Charles Horace Gibson, V.  One of Gabby’s sisters was slower to accept her transition simply because she feared for Gabby’s safety as a trans woman of color. “It’s not that people don’t want you to live your best life,” she says. “Sometimes they are just worried for your life.” Jaden was raised in a very Catholic family in a small town in Delaware. He had the wisdom to understand that it would take patience and education to bring his family along on his transition. “No one really transitions alone. Everyone in your life has to transition along with you.”

Jaden believes that being transgender and finding the love of your life “is like finding a piece of gold or that diamond in the rough. Even at our lowest point, we’re stronger than most people.” Gabby adds, “We’re stronger together than we are apart. We’re having our moment, and we’re taking every punch that comes our way and throwing back more love.”

 Hearing this couple laugh together incessantly, one can understand why it didn’t take long for Jaden to propose to Gabby one evening at Longwood Gardens, a botanical garden, where they had one of their first dates. Being engaged to be married was thrilling but brought along a new dilemma. When you’re 6’1” and love to wear extremely high heels and your fiancé is 5’4,” buying a bridal gown becomes serious business. So, where do you go? Kleinfeld’s Bridal, of course. A fan of the TLC show “Say Yes to the Dress” since the day it aired, Gabby made an appointment at Kleinfeld’s and wound up being cast for an episode of the show. On the application, it asked for three words that described her. She replied, “Outgoing, outrageous, and transgender.” They filmed her episode two weeks later.  Gabby did say yes to the dress, but as gorgeous and validated as the dress made her feel, the wedding plans got derailed. “It just became more about everybody else’s feelings.” So, she and Jaden eloped.

Gabby is now planning for her next big adventure, her final sex reassignment surgery, for which they are both equally excited. Gabby exclaims, “Some couples get excited for babies. I’m excited because I’m getting bottom surgery.” Jaden says, “You’re being reborn.”

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Logan & Laila

For Logan and Laila Ireland, standing tall and confident in the Garden of the Gods, Colorado Springs, is an apt metaphor for both their life’s journeys and their transitions. That something so strong and beautiful has emerged from deep within the core of their being and the earth is a miracle and blessing, wonderous to behold and worthy of admiration. 

Both Logan and Laila represent the presence, strength, and resilience of transgender service members in the United States military. Logan, a Staff Sergeant, is active-duty Air Force and works in security forces. Currently a health care management and administration supervisor, Laila served in the Army for 12 years, first as an interrogator and later as a medic, before receiving a medical discharge due to injury. She deployed twice to Iraq. Logan has also deployed to Afghanistan and Qatar.

Their story began in 2012 when they first met online through a support group for transgender military service members and later, in person, at the first transgender military conference. Within a few months, they were officially dating, and in July, wasting no time, Logan proposed. “She brought things to my life that I didn’t have and that I wanted a future with.”

The Irelands, who married in Hawaii in 2016, have become mentors, “big brothers, big sisters,” to service members trying to navigate the process of transition, both socially and professionally. They are leaders in both the LGBTQ+ and military communities. With policy towards transgender service members changing over the last three political administrations, the Irelands work to create a safe space where service members can find support.

Since 2015, Logan and Laila have been in the public eye sharing their story. They were part of a New York Times documentary, Transgender, at War and in Love, another documentary, Trans Military, a feature in PEOPLE magazine, invited to appear on the Ellen DeGeneres show, and part of the broadcast when then Secretary of Defense, Ash Carter, announced open service for transgender military members.

While the Obama administration opened the door for transgender service members, the Trump administration rolled back much of the progress that the Irelands and their colleagues worked so hard to achieve. Logan and his fellow trans military members considered this disheartening, knowing they “would lay down their life for their president and their country.” Fortunately, the Biden administration has reinstated the policy to allow transgender military members to serve openly.

Logan served in Afghanistan as a male. The dignity and respect with which he was treated by his fellow airmen and officers resonated throughout the military. The Irelands continue to work with SPART*A, the transgender military organization providing support for service members. This is their mission.

Laila explains, “We want to be granted the dignity and respect as anyone else does and that they deserve. We want to raise a family. We want to live life without fear. We are creating the future that will tell our story. We do this because we know it's the right thing to do.”

Both Logan and Laila are fortunate to have supportive and loving parents. Laila explained how coming out to her family was a process. She first came out as gay. In her Asian-American, Pacific Islander, Hispanic and Catholic culture, being gay was difficult to accept. She was preparing to deploy, and they didn’t speak for the first 7-8 months of her deployment. “It took losing a soldier in my unit for them to actually speak to me because I was supposed to have been in that seat. I’m lucky to be alive.” When her father became ill, Laila, who had started to transition a year before, relocated to Hawaii. “Having to tell them I was trans was like coming out again. It was scary.” But the timeframe for them to understand and accept her was significantly less.

Her birthday was the turning point. Her father and family took her out to dinner. When they came home, they presented her with a cake. They sang Happy Birthday. “When it was time to blow out my candles, I made my wish that I want my family to be okay and be with me in this transition journey. I blew my candles out, turned the cake around, and it said, ‘Happy Birthday, Laila.’ It was the chosen name that I wanted. It was the first moment in my transition when I felt like my family was really trying.”

“From that point until now, my parents have become my rock in much of everything that I do in this transition. Both Logan and I are very blessed to have family members to have conversations with us and who want to know more. They are very respectful in learning about trans people or just the LGBTQ+ community at large. We're really blessed. We're just really blessed.”

The world is blessed to have transgender trailblazers like Logan and Laila.

Mahalo.

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T & Bella

What started as a long-distance relationship between Buffalo and New York City quickly became short-distanced for Shateer, aka “Mr. T,” and Bella. After meeting at New York City Pride, they maintained a friendship across the miles, keeping in touch via Facebook and some very long phone calls. Bella says, “We used to fall asleep on the phone together. I've talked to him for six hours straight and didn’t even realize it. That’s how much we used to talk on the phone daily.”

Currently living in Buffalo, T works as an assistant manager at a gym. Bella, born in Haiti and speaking eight languages, is currently studying cosmetology and intends to be a fashion designer. T was on his third testosterone shot when they met, so Bella has been with him through much of his transition and surgeries. She had never been with a transgender man before, nor any man, for that matter, but says that moving in together was just like “putting the icing on the cake.”

T feels he has been transitioning his entire life but loves how his body now matches how he has always dreamed it would. Bella has enjoyed watching all the physical changes. She has an adorable and infectious grin as she describes, “It's exciting to see what's going to happen next. He’s growing muscle there, and this muscle is getting bigger. That's exciting. I like to see the changes.” She has tremendous respect for how he wakes up daily, determined to do whatever it takes to be his authentic self.

T and Bella need to be activists for their community and are connected with a few activists in Buffalo but find the local community split. “It’s like L-G- B and then slash T.” It’s not easy to find places to go where you feel you are welcome or part of the crowd.

One of the first people that T met when he moved to Buffalo was a transgender woman named Tonya.  Sadly, she was murdered a few months before our photo shoot. T and Tonya used to play cards together, and both T and Bella thought she was gorgeous. Unfortunately, many transgender women of color are the victims of violent crimes that are often left unsolved or uninvestigated. There is still no suspect in the death of their friend, Tonya.

T has also had unfortunate experiences with the Buffalo police. In the early morning hours on the day of his mother’s funeral, he was pulled over because a light on his license plate holder was out. They made him exit his car because he “looked suspicious.” They searched him. “One officer tried to put his hands in my underwear to search me. When I said I was trans, things got weirder.” They searched his car and put him in the back of the police vehicle. “Honestly, I was just trying not to get shot or detained the night before my mother’s funeral.”

Male privilege, something new to T, has had both positive and negative effects. Bella thinks he gets lots of perks with the ladies because he’s now a handsome man. But T also sees the other side. “I was always black, but you know, transitioning from a black woman to a black man, you're automatically seen as a threat. It’s kind of like I transitioned lower on the spectrum of life. I can walk past somebody in the street, and they automatically feel threatened without even knowing me.” He has also been shocked by the chauvinistic or bigoted attitudes people shared with him before coming to know that he is trans. He doesn’t hesitate to speak up to educate and to ask people to be more respectful.

When it comes to their families, T and Bella are fortunate. His mother was T’s biggest supporter. His five older sisters, nieces, and nephews all consider him their uncle and brother. Bella considers his family her own and was very close to his mother. As for her own family, they are geographically all over the place. Bella’s mother is Guyanese/Italian and believes that her daughter will always be her baby, no matter what. Her father is Cuban/Haitian, and “all that LGBT stuff is out the window,” except for her “Pops,” her father’s older brother. He’s 87 years old and shows a genuine desire to understand what it means to be transgender and to be supportive of their relationship. Bella had only ever brought home her girlfriends, so Pops is full of questions for T, even giving him the moniker “Mr. T.” Through their discussions, he’s come to understand that transitioning isn’t just about wearing men’s clothes. It’s a way of being.

T and Bella hope to start a family and grow old together. One Christmas Eve, T pointed to a box on a table and told Bella that it was her present. She opened an empty box, but when she turned around, T was down on one knee.

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Jen & Amanda

When two gorgeous, smart and powerful women working in the aviation industry come together, they will certainly soar to new heights. Jen and Amanda, who have been together for over 7 years, met “the traditional way…online.” One of the first profiles on OKCupid that caught Jen’s eye was Amanda’s. That spark started a conversation that lasted two months before their first date.

Amanda had learned from experience that letting someone get to know you first, as a person, was far better than disclosing that she is transgender, or as she says, “a woman of male history.” “Leading with that one factor means it becomes the number one thing in your identity, when it’s really not. People start assigning attributes that they’ve gathered from the media and assign them to you, before ever getting to know you.”

Their third date was like two dates. They had lunch, saw a movie, talked, had dinner. They call it the “third date that went on forever.” Amanda says they are still “on their third date.”

         Both women come with impressive resumés from careers in the airline industry. Jen is a director at the Airlines Reporting Corporation. Having worked her way up from the mailroom, Jen’s job is to make sure that when you purchase a ticket, the credit card gets billed and the airline gets paid. Amanda is now Vice President at Airbus Americas.  They both are in the air and traversing the globe nonstop.

The constant travel causes the couple to be apart for weeks at a time. They are the proverbial planes, not ships, passing in the night. The difference in times zones often necessitates keeping close contact via Facetime and texting. As the saying goes, absence makes the heart grow fonder, and Jen assures that when they reunite, they are “very fond of each other.” Jen and Amanda love to entertain and are famous for their parties, like the yearly “Pancakes and Pride.” “BadgerFest” pays homage to Jen’s alma mater and is a traditional football tailgate party but held at their house, complete with a 7-foot Bucky Badger. 

Flying is a passion for Amanda, who is a seasoned pilot and flight instructor. Jen has also caught the fever, and their goal is to own their own aircraft. The Beechcraft Bonanza in this photograph is only 1 of about 60 different makes and models of aircraft that Amanda has flown, everything from gliders, helicopters, multi-engine transport aircraft to single seat ultralights and drones. The fastest was the Navy A3, a Korean War era bomber, but she holds the world record for the most time flying a jet aircraft below sea level.

After graduating college with a commercial pilot license with instrument rating, Amanda has had a meteoric rise in the industry. She’s done everything from designing powerful devices used in military radars to being a test engineer, pilot and mission director for the division building missiles. Although flying was her passion, her career took a slight curve when she made the decision to transition 20 years ago.

As Amanda began her transition, the management at her job with Raytheon feared that people might refuse to get in an aircraft with her. Amanda foresaw that despite her impressive skills, her career as a pilot would likely be impacted by her decision to live as her true authentic self, so she moved into program management. But while she was there at Raytheon, Amanda literally helped write the playbook for how corporations should adjust to accept transgender employees. In one form or another it is used by all major corporations today.

One fateful day, Amanda got a call from the White House asking her to come work for the Obama Administration. She was the first transgender woman appointed by any President. With her knowledge and leadership skills, she went from working in the Department of Commerce to the Pentagon, to becoming the Deputy Assistant Secretary of Defense for Operational Energy, responsible for anything and everything that dealt with energy use by the military. That all came to an abrupt end in 2017 with a new political administration.

In her years at the Pentagon, Amanda made sure that the leadership, particularly those in uniform, knew she was transgender. She led the internal push to remove the ban on transgender service members and she felt her visibility would help the cause. At the federal level, she helped write the guidelines for transitioning within government service. Amanda remains an activist, and she and Jen are very involved in working for equal rights.

For all of their high-powered jobs and community causes, Jen and Amanda still find time to enjoy their life together. These women love adventure and being outdoors, whether it’s hiking in a national park or jumping out of an airplane. It’s easy to see how in love they are. Jen says, “It’s easy to say Amanda is amazing. Everyone who meets her says so, but in the end, it has to be how you are when it’s just the two of you at the end of the day. Amanda has so much to offer me in my life.” Amanda says Jen is what she “needed as a companion to bring out the best of her.” They are most proud of the impact they have made to improve people’s lives and hope to do more of that in the future.

Amanda: “Our story is not over.” 

Jen: “The rest is still unwritten. (Like I said in my vows)”

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Sam & Amos

I met Amos and Sam and their rambunctious dog, Codi, at their apartment in a hilly neighborhood in Los Angeles. They had chosen a location near their apartment for its lovely cascade of lavender lantana and red bougainvillea flowers. The presence of the fire hydrant is more than a coincidence. Amos Mac is the co-founding editor of Original Plumbing, the first magazine in America dedicated to the artful documentation of trans-masculine culture.

Sam, who worked for a while in the fashion industry, recently graduated with a new degree and is now a software engineer working in technology.

The couple met at a barbecue at a mutual friend’s house in Brooklyn, NY, in 2014. And what does one do in our current culture after meeting someone that you find “very, very cute”? Sam immediately added Amos on every social media platform and started “liking” all his photos in hopes of getting his attention. It worked.

Their relationship “felt organic” from the start, and after three years, they moved to Los Angeles. Sam: “I think this is the most fulfilling relationship I've ever had in my life. I don’t meet many people or couples who can say that their partner always challenges them to grow. That’s something that Amos always does and that I do for him too. We never fight.”

Amos says, “I wasn't new to my trans experience when we met. It was very much a part of me and something that I had handled many years before. So, it's not really a huge part of our story as a couple.” While Amos is the one who identifies as transgender, Sam admits that it is he who is most often misgendered or called “she” in public, and it doesn’t bother him in the least.

Amos refers to his transition as a “lifelong process,” but prior to 2009, there was no unified community for trans men. It is not uncommon for people who are transgender to struggle for years or decades, feeling isolated and not knowing the possibilities for their future or how to navigate the process of becoming the person they were meant to be. Visibility opens that door. Seeing oneself reflected in the media or culture provides validation, comradery, and hope.

As a photographer, artist, writer, and avid lover of pop culture, Amos longed to see himself and other trans men “reflected in the media, telling their own stories, writing their own word, and being photographed through a trans lens.” He desperately wanted a space for trans men to exist, to provide a community of support, so he teamed up with his friend, Rocco Kayiatos, and made that space a reality. Together they independently published Original Plumbing, which began in 2009 as a Bay Area ‘zine and catapulted to a nationally acclaimed and distributed quarterly. Dedicated explicitly to trans men, Original Plumbing featured writing and photography in a playful pop culture spirit on a myriad of topics, from politics to sex to art and culture.

Amos was deep into his work with Original Plumbing when he met Sam. His photography and work had become very visible and recognized worldwide, and his identity was linked closely with his magazine. Yet, he still had other life goals. Meeting Sam was “almost like building a home. He allowed me to look at myself, to take a step back, look at what I’ve done and realize that it wasn’t too late for me to do other things, to try to write or work in television. I felt a real support from him that I could do anything and that I wasn’t defined by the work I had already done.”

That support allowed Amos to pursue and fulfill his dreams. He worked for a time on the Amazon series Transparent. In 2019, he co-wrote a documentary-hybrid feature film about trans jazz musician Billy Tipton (1914-1989). “The film explores not just the life of a man who lived a stealth trans experience as a bandleader and a father of three until he was ‘outed’ after death but also discusses masculinity, the claiming of an icon between various communities, and how to tell someone's story when they aren't around to self-identify.”  Amos just signed on as a staff writer for the reboot of Gossip Girl airing on HBO Max.

Sam & Amos enjoy their weekends doing things together that they might not do separately, like visiting art museums, hiking, or shopping for plants. Like many other couples, their goal is to buy a house and build a home together, preferably in or close to LA.

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Jake & Hannah

The universe gave me a great gift with the opportunity to spend time with Jake and Hannah, a British transgender couple, on holiday in New York City.

Jake is an award-winning film director, writer, and actor, most recently with roles in “The Danish Girl” and “Colette.” He has written and directed eight short films, all of which have gone on to screen at film festivals across the globe. At the time of this photo, Hannah was the highest-ranking transgender officer in the British Army. She had deployed to Afghanistan, Kenya, and Canada and was awarded the MBE (Member of the Most Excellent Order of the British Empire) by HRH Prince William in recognition of her work towards LGBTQ acceptance and inclusion.

Jake knew at the age of 2 or 3 that he was a boy inside. He felt ‘humiliated’ by his girl’s body, alienated by his peers, taunted, and bullied. He had no role models, no one in the media, and no books. “My first trans man on the screen was actually Hilary Swank playing a trans guy, Brandon Teena, in "Boys Don't Cry." Obviously, that was such an absolutely awful experience for a 15-year-old trans guy, who at that point was so lost and confused, to see his first representation of a transgender person… I think that honestly put my transition off for another 15 years. I think it's essential for kids today that they have someone to look up to within the queer community so they can say, ‘That's me, and it's going to be okay.’"

Hannah did not experience the extreme angst that Jake did as a child. Although she always wished to be a girl and would at times privately dress in her mother’s clothing, she chose to embrace the competitive and sporty side of her personality and entered the ultra-masculine military life as a teenager, earning a place in a military college. Even in the military, she would find time to privately dress as a woman. On an episode of Good Morning Britain, she described how, in the military academy, they would have formal dinners, and the women would all be in their lovely dresses. “On those Saturday evenings, I would spend three hours locked inside my room doing a full face of makeup, putting on a wig, high heels, and a beautiful dress. Then I’d sit there alone for about half an hour so I could savor a memory of getting ready for dinner as myself. Then 20 minutes before going down to dinner, I’d shower, take off all my makeup, and put on my suit and tie.” When Hannah determined that she finally had to transition to her true self, she found positive support from her commanders and comrades. “Being transgender in the U.K. military is a non-event. We really just get on with our jobs.”

Jake adds, “Fortunately, in the United Kingdom, unlike in many other countries, most of the surgeries are covered by the National Health Service. Hormones are covered. There is legislation that protects transgender men and women legally, medically, and in the workplace.”

Jake and Hannah met through mutual friends and a simple “friend” request on Facebook from Jake to Hannah, followed by a “message” back from Hannah. They describe themselves as being quite traditional. “We’re a boy and a girl; we want to get married; we want to have a family. That's not going to be necessarily the easiest thing to build, being trans people, but I think that's what we're looking forward to, is creating that family unit. That's what completes our future.”

In 2017, Jake romantically proposed to Hannah in a rowboat on a Central Park Lake. “Neither Hannah nor I ever felt that we would meet our true soul mate, someone who made us laugh every day and feel completely accepted, supported, and loved, and we both know that we struck gold when our paths crossed.” They were married in March of 2018. “When Hannah walked down the aisle towards me, we both had tears in our eyes, and she quite simply took my breath away.” Today they are the parents of two lovely daughters.

When I met Jake and Hannah, they were renting a very tiny Airbnb in New York City. After squeezing in some photos and video in the cramped quarters, Jake suggested we try making some photographs up on the roof. We scaled a narrow staircase to the roof and found the word “EVOLVE” in graffiti on the wall. It’s the message that all three of us want to send to the world.

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Jonah & Deejay

Jonah and Deejay met in a nightclub in Las Vegas, where Deejay was taking photographs. As a not-so-tall transgender man, Deejay is used to drag queens towering over him. But when Jonah, aka Alei’Aloha Savage, walked by, Deejay was struck by his beauty, small stature, and the fact that he had a turtle tattoo on his shoulder, indicating that he was Hawaiian. As Deejay describes him, “Jonah happens to be small and very pretty. He looks like a woman. I happen to like female energy, but I still favor another man.”

Jonah, who works in the postal service by day, is a stunningly convincing drag performer or female illusionist raised in the drag house of Tracy Savage. He is passionate about this as an art form, expressing himself through movement and music. Deejay says Jonah is typically “very chill, reserved and sometimes shy, but his girl persona is a firecracker…high energy and beautiful.”

They had not intended to start a family, but fate had other plans. Many transgender men and women sometimes struggle to afford health insurance and/or hormone treatments. Not only could Deejay not afford any gender-affirming surgeries, but life circumstances also forced him to be off his hormones for five years. During that time, he and Jonah began their relationship. After a shared celebration of their birthdays, which were only eight days apart, they found themselves pregnant with a daughter, Anuhea.

Jonah had always wanted to be a father since he was very young. With a baby on the way, he felt God had truly blessed him with a partner who loved him as much as he loved them and, now, a child. Having a child that is biologically both of theirs is a rare opportunity for many LGBTQ+ couples, and Jonah and Deejay decided to see the pregnancy through. As a transgender man, Deejay described how carrying a baby was psychologically and physically challenging. He did not even want to be referred to as being pregnant. He preferred to say that “he was the incubator for the baby.” Like many trans men, he had been binding his breasts, but once they began to grow, he could no longer wear the binders.  He says he “was used to being muscular and able to do all this stuff and being agile. Then, all of a sudden, well, I can just waddle. I went from being the hot guy to being the fat guy.”

Deejay claims that he just didn’t know how to be a female. He knew he was a boy from the time he was three. “I’ve always been the same. I’ve done male things. I’ve always dressed as a male. I know what it’s like to be a male with different genitalia than a bio male.” And he certainly knows how to be a loving father. Jonah and Deejay have a daughter that they adore. They are raising her “to be blind, to see everybody and love everybody.” Deejay says, “If she were to meet Donald Trump, no matter how much I don’t like him, I would still want her to share half of her cookie with him.”

In March 2019, Jonah and Deejay were crowned Miss and Mr. Las Vegas Pride in front of friends, family, and their daughter. Using their stage names, Alei’Aloha and Zion Savage, they reigned as the very first Family of Pride, representing the power of love and acceptance. Jonah is especially proud to represent their city in honor of his drag mother, Tracy Savage. They hope this experience will give their daughter a legacy that she will be proud of both now and in the future.  They hope to represent their entire community by showing what a diverse and loving family looks like. “We have white in our family, black, Mexican, Puerto Rican, Hawaiian, everything. They want to be out and proud and visible role models for the entire community. Being a female illusionist and a transgender man is only a part of who they are. More importantly, they are husbands, fathers, and a genuinely loving family.

Jonah says, “I feel like people should know that we're no different than anybody else. We work 9 to 5. We come home. We have our family time. We made a child. I'm not any different than any Tom, Dick, or Harry who has kids.  We might not be what you picture with the white picket fence, but this is my white picket fence. You have a dream to be a police officer. I have a dream to be the next drag superstar. But who am I to judge you, so who are you to judge me?”

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Barbara & Kate

Kate Bornstein: Performance artist, actor, playwright, author of 7 books and counting, known to many in the transgender world as “Auntie Kate.” Barbara Carrellas: Author, artist, innovator, instigator, theater artist, and thought leader in the fields of sex, gender and spirit.

While she insists that she is “not an icon,” Kate Bornstein has been a gender non-conforming trailblazer for decades. Born Albert Bornstein, she knew early on that she was not a boy or a man. After studying theater at Brown University, she found herself drawn to the Church of Scientology, where, still in her male persona, she rose to a become a high lieutenant in the Sea Org division. Crazy? Not really. The church espoused a theology that said you are not your physical mind or body but rather a spiritual being called a thetan,and thetans have no gender. This aligned perfectly with Kate’s quest to find a gender that fit. She eventually became disillusioned with the church and left. Permanently.

Kate began her transition to a woman in 1984 and had gender confirmation surgery in 1986. Shortly thereafter, she realized that she wasn’t a woman either. “Neither male nor female came naturally to me.” She was really pretending at both. For a while she called herself a “nonbinary, transfeminine, BDSM diesel femme dyke.” Today she considers herself “not man, not woman” and adheres to the postmodern theory that gender is a playground. She claims that her two favorite genders are “ladies and gentlemen, and that has nothing to do with the sex assigned at birth.” Her first book, entitled Gender Outlaw: On Men, Women, and the Rest of Us, has been updated and reprinted and still inspires today. 

Barbara says she identifies as “maybe pansexual, queer, femme, tomboy... today, that is.” She has spent a lifetime “at the intersections of theater and spirit.” Barbara began in the theater at age 14 and spent years working on Broadway, until the AIDS crisis turned everything upside down. She began representing performance artists, like Annie Sprinkle and Penny Arcade, who were talking about sex, gender and social change. Along with Annie Sprinkle and Joseph Kramer, she began questioning what to do about sex in the “plague years.” They started studying, practicing, playing and modifying eastern forms of sexuality and spirituality, like Tantra and Tao, and looking for new ways to have sex that was safe, spiritually nourishing, and healing. After publishing the book, Urban Tantra, she began to focus more on the sex and healing aspects of her career. She says, “It’s not called theater, but everything I do is constructed like a well-made play.”

After exiting the Church of Scientology, Kate spent many years as a performance artist, even writing several plays. Over the years, her path crisscrossed and intertwined with that of Barbara. They were initially introduced in San Francisco by Annie Sprinkle. Later, when Barbara was leaving her New York apartment to move to Australia to be in a relationship with a couple, write a book and teach, Annie suggested that Kate, who was moving to New York, take over her apartment. Barbara and Kate met to discuss the rental, ended up talking for 5 hours and then having mad sex for two days before Barbara took off across the globe.

But the distance did not stop their passion. Using their laptops, CompuServe, and an obscure law group chatroom where no one ever visited, they managed to have clandestine cybersex. Lots of cybersex. When all fell through in Australia, fate brought Barbara back to New York where they lived together in a tiny apartment with a cat, two pugs, and two turtles, writing away on TV tables and editing each other’s work. Twenty-one years later, they are still together. 

Their career paths overlap within their art. Barbara says, “We’re passionate about changing the world. Not through politics. It’s a radical sense of caring about the rights and happiness of freaky, queer, weird, displaced things…of all species.” They love to adopt animals with special needs and specifically requested that cats, Juli and Maui, and puggle, Calla Lilly be included in their family portrait. (Not included is Bruce, the turtle.) Barbara and Kate insist that they are not activists but rather artists, and hope that their art somehow fuels the activism of others.

In a recent role in the Broadway play, Straight White Men, Kate got to stand up on stage and say, “Why are we looking at straight white men? Hey. I used to be one… Well, I tried. You can see it didn’t work.” She was thrilled with that role. “I’m not man, not woman and I get to say that on a Broadway stage!!! It’s not activism. It’s my art.”

Barbara says, “My job is expanding people’s notion of what's possible for them. It’s my job to introduce people to moments of ecstasy, cathartic moments. Ecstatic moments are life changing. It shatters the ceiling of our limited possibilities so that people can see that there’s something vast on the other side. I introduce people to their new totality of possibilities using ecstasy as the motivator to get them there.”

Kate’s parting advice is that “trans is fun. Fun can be having a conversation like this. Fun can be falling in love. All those kinds of fun fade away. There’s only one kind of fun that I’ve found that sticks, and that’s helping another person out of their suffering.  Helping another person into their happiness. That fun never goes away. If you use your gender to effect that, as a step ladder to do that…ecstasy.” But through all of that, she has just one rule. “Don’t be mean.”

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Adriana & Marli

Making a portrait along the banks of the Choptank River in Maryland held special significance to Adriana and Marli. This area is Native American land and close to one of the stops on Underground Railroad near the actual home of Harriet Tubman’s parents. For Marli, whose family is Ecuadorian and black, and Adriana, whose family is Mexican and black, this land speaks to their core.  “It's important that we have gotten to a point where we can build this sanctuary on land that our ancestors were traded on, or were freed from, and where our ancestors originally owned the land. So, it is kind of like a full circle experience to be here.”

Adriana and Marli are both entrepreneurs and fitness enthusiasts whose separate businesses focus on providing products and services to allow their customers to feel their absolute best in their bodies. Adriana is the founder of Queer Unity Fitness, an LGBTQ+ fitness focused environment with a safe, equal, and active learning space for everyone and every body type. 

Marli is CEO, founder, and designer of “gc2b,” the gender-affirming apparel company. As he was transitioning, Marli saw that the only breast binding options were uncomfortable and inadequate compression shirts designed for cis gender men. As a University of the Arts industrial design graduate, he used his experience in product design and background in textiles to provide accessible, comfortable, and safe binding options designed by trans people, for trans people.  The gc2b binders were the first garments designed and patented specifically for gender-affirming chest binding.  The company also designs and sells limited edition apparel collections and donates 100% of those profits to chosen organizations, such as the Marsha P. Johnson Institute and the Trans Women of Color Collective.

The couple first met at a gym at a time when Marli was struggling with his gender identity and considered himself non-binary. As they slowly got to know each other, Adriana noticed that there was something a little different about Marli but never felt the need to ask him to explain his gender identity. As their relationship grew and they started to date, she was comfortable being on the journey as he let his true self evolve and begin his transition. “When he started educating me and sharing things with me, it just took time and experience to understand what was going on. And it was all just very natural, changing, shifts throughout our relationship.” In this relationship, Adriana felt a deep and true connection that she had never before experienced. “With Marli, it was really natural for me to enjoy his company and feel like my absolute self around him. So, who wouldn't want to be with someone that they can be themselves around?”

Marli: “She has accepted me no matter what. She's seen me in really bad situations, and definitely not being my best self. I've also never felt the motivation or even need to be my best self. Even with my business, I was just kind of operating on autopilot and basically slowly killing myself. Adriana came in and showed me there was something beyond the next hour, or next day. I realized that I was truly missing something.”

Marli confides that in his search for his true self, he struggled with substance abuse and Adriana was there to support him. He admits, “When we weren't together, I wasn't making the best decisions, and being with her helped me realize that I could transition and be accepted.  I think my struggle with my gender identity was a big part of the reason for my substance abuse.” He realized that his future with Adriana depended on his facing this demon. “At the end of the day, sobriety is my own work, but I definitely wouldn't be here the way I am now if I didn't have the motivation of a future life with her.

Adriana and Marli find that being self-employed gives them the freedom and opportunity to explore and try new things together. Marli taught Adriana how to fish. They have become scuba diving certified and have tried both glassblowing and pottery. They love anything that is health-oriented, like therapeutic massages, in addition to working out and being in great physical shape.

Adriana believes there is something very special about each of them as individuals but even more special as a couple. She says, “The relationship strength will always be there no matter what gender someone is. Things don’t have to end because things change. They can actually evolve.”

The couple will seal their love with a wedding in January 2020. Within a few years, they hope to see their family flourish with children. Marli actually froze his eggs before starting testosterone and has 14 on hold until the time is right. Adriana is looking forward to giving both his and her parents grandchildren to shower with love and support.

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Bree & Peg

Bree and Peg, have been together for 19 years, married for 16, and have 2 daughters, ages 10 and 6. Bree identifies as transgender, but more specifically, “non-binary, gender fluid” and is equally comfortable presenting as male or female. She says, “I could live my life happily in either gender, but I’m not completely fulfilled unless I get the opportunity to present both sides of myself and have an integrated personality.” Professionally, Bree presents as Bryan Fram, a Lt. Colonel in the United States Air Force, who at the time of this portrait, was working at the Pentagon but preparing for a new assignment in upstate New York as the commander of a unit developing cyber and artificial intelligence-based counter-drone technologies.

Peg met Bryan through a Yahoo personals ad when they were both in college in Minnesota. Their first date was visiting the Minnesota Zoo and watching Fantasia 2000 at an IMAX theater. About a month into their relationship, at a time when both knew that they wanted the relationship to progress, Bryan professed his love and confided that he was a “cross-dresser.” For a young, twenty-something, adventurous Peg, this was not a deal breaker. They continued to date for 4 more years before marrying.

Neither of them knew or could predict how things would grow and change for them as both Bryan and Bree matured. For many years, they were secretive about Bree as she slowly emerged from the closet. They had no choice, for fear the Air Force would find out, Bryan would be discharged, and they would lose their sole source of income. Yet Bree needed to express herself. “For my 30th birthday (10 years into their relationship), I gave myself a present, went to a place that did make-overs and saw myself for the first time.” It was a few years after that before Bree had the courage to “step out of a hotel room, go get gas the furthest pump away, and then race back.” It was another year or two before Bree and Peg went out in public together for their first date, still fearful of the military finding out. Peg says, “It's just taken a lot of years for us to figure out exactly what this means to both Bree and Bryan, and how to make it work together.”

Towards the end of the Obama administration, the ban on transgender people serving in the military was lifted. Bree came out publicly the day the band ended, sending a letter to superior officers and making a public Facebook post. “One by one, my colleagues walked over to me and said, ‘It’s an honor to serve with you’ and they shook my hand.”  A commander said, “Thank you. You broke my stereotype. I had this picture of what a trans person was and why they didn’t belong in the military, and just by coming here and exceeding the standard of what we asked of you every day, you completely changed my mind.” Lt. Colonel Fram currently continues to present as Bryan at work, but is now open about the existence of Bree in the public sphere.

Bree says that deciding how to present is complicated. Ideally it might be close to 50/50. Currently, it is always Bryan who goes to work. While at home, she can be Bree with little effort, but she doesn’t like presenting as “gender queer’ or somewhere in the middle. It’s either Bryan or Bree. “If I want to show Bree to the world, I don’t want to just throw on a wig and walk out the door with 5 o’clock shadow. It takes time,” So Bree might only be present one day on a weekend or a few nights depending on the time.

The children, Katherine and Olivia, are aware and comfortable with their father as Bree. They know that “Daddy is Bree and Bryan, but Daddy is always Daddy, no matter if Bree is out or Bryan.” Bree and Peg have a huge circle of trans and LGBTQ+ friends, and every Saturday they have a house full of very diverse people. As a result, their daughters are extremely open and respectful of all variations of human beings and all expressions of gender.

In the past year, since the current president’s tweeted ban on transgender military service, Bree has been doing even more advocacy work. She has been on Capitol Hill briefing Senators and Representatives on transgender issues. She has done press interviews. Professionally, Lt. Col. Fram has been invited to attend the “war college,” a very prestigious honor that less than 10% of Lt. Colonels receive. But with the new policy on extremely restricted transgender military service going into effect on April 12th, 2019, the Frams were faced with an important decision. If in the future, Bree ever wanted to serve openly in the armed forces, then a diagnosis of gender dysphoria by a military doctor had to be in the records before the ban went into effect. This forced the Frams to make a decision they were not essentially ready to make.

The decision was particularly difficult for Peg. She has had her own journey to deal with as well as their lives together as a couple and a family. She fell in love with Bryan. But Bree is now a part of their lives. “It’s almost like bringing a new person in. It challenges everything from my sexuality to my femininity.” While they have been dealing with this process successfully for many years, with much thought, communication, and love and respect for each other, they have done so on their own timeline. It’s so much harder when someone else demands that you “deal with it faster.”

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Carla & Jaime

Carla and Jaime are two lovely, soft-spoken transgender women living on the outskirts of Nashville, Tennessee, with an energetic Papillon puppy and three very vocal parrots. Carla, a software engineer, and Jaime, a hairstylist by trade, have known each other for over 20 years and have been married for nine years. Both transitioned in their mid-twenties and met at a support group in 1999.

Before transitioning, Carla was married for nine years and had two children. After a bitter fight, her wife left, took the children, vowed Carla would never see them again, emptied their bank accounts, and outed Carla to her employer as “a faggot that wants to be a woman.” After a suicide attempt followed by a long recovery, Carla left the hospital broke and broken. She sought out a therapist, began her transition, and went to her first support group meeting, where Jaime happened to be the guest speaker, there to share her story about her very recent gender confirmation surgery.

The two women moved in together in 2003, and Carla also regained custody of the two children that she had not seen in 5 years.

Carla recounted several instances in her life when she was seriously mistreated due to her gender identity.  In her early twenties, she was removed from a top-secret security unit in the Air Force, despite being the top student in her training, when they discovered that she had seen a counselor for gender issues. She was stripped of her rank and assigned janitorial duties for five months until her discharge…for “a mental disorder.”

Nevertheless, she is a military veteran. However, she was denied a “woman veteran” license plate, the local officials citing that she was not female. In Tennessee, one must provide documentation of sex reassignment surgery before changing the gender on a driver’s license. You can’t change the gender on your birth certificate at all. Carla went to work the next day wearing a T-shirt that said, “Transgender Veteran: I fought for your right to hate me.” The photo went viral and to this day gets circulated as the fight for transgender service members continues.

During a trip to a Nashville emergency room, Carla was repeatedly misgendered by a nurse, who went so far as to cut the bracelet off her arm that identified her as female and replace it with a male gender marker.

Jaime, on the other hand, led a quiet and rather stealth life for many years. She was never publicly out or talked openly about her life experience “because she didn’t want to bring shame to her family or have people think poorly of them.” She didn’t want her employees to get negative feedback because of who she was, and she didn’t want Carla’s children to face any danger because they had two transgender parents. She lived quietly in the shadows.

That all came to a screeching halt one day that would change their lives forever. Carla and Jaime had gone to church, a parish that was welcoming and affirming, with friends and allies. Children were rehearsing a musical when a man came in with a guitar case, opened the case, took out a sawed-off shotgun, and began firing, murdering two people before the church members could overtake him. A “manifesto” found in his car declared his hatred of liberals, Democrats, and homosexuals and blamed the church for its liberal ideals. “He never showed any remorse and always appeared defiant, smiling even, in the face of the families of the victims.” Carla says, “I will never forget seeing kids come out of the church with blood all over.”

Despite suffering from PTSD, the incident ushered Carla and Jaime into a life of activism. The previously reserved Jaime says, “When that happened, I could no longer be silent.” They both became involved in PFLAG and pride organizations. They started speaking at rallies, talking with legislators, and visiting local schools. They are resolute in their fight for transgender rights, knowing that the key to acceptance is understanding. Carla explains, “It is an uphill battle to try to change the minds of legislators in Tennessee. The best way to invite change is to try to change the hearts and minds of people in the state. The only way to do that is by meeting people and telling your story. Make sure that people know that you’re trans and are no different than anybody else. It’s really hard to gather at the water cooler and talk about transgender people in a negative way when they actually know somebody who is trans that they respect. It’s harder for people to go into a voting booth and vote to harm transgender people if they have a high opinion of someone who is trans.”

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Diane & Jacob

What started with a date to see the 1990 film “Paris is Burning” and what was predicted to be a one-night stand between two self-proclaimed promiscuous “baby dykes,” turned into a 28-year-and-counting love affair for Diane and Jacob Anderson-Minshall. They had met the day before on the steps of the state capitol during Idaho’s 2ndLGBT pride celebration, Diane wearing an ACT UP t-shirt and Jacob a “Lavender Menace.” There in Boise, the largest city in Idaho with a population of only 100,000 and many of its LGBTQ citizens firmly in the closet, these two activist minded lesbians seemed destined to meet.

Diane and Jacob found each other incredibly attractive, but there was also a shared sense of humor and interest in issues such as the feminist movement and the AIDS crisis. Being a queer person in Idaho in the 80s was not easy and their shared sense of wanderlust had them soon leaving the state for new opportunities. Since that time, they have lived in multiple cities across the country, followed numerous career opportunities, had 5 ceremonies solidifying their relationship, and weathered Jacob’s gender transition to male. They currently live in Valle Vista, CA with 12 animals, including pygmy goats and chickens.

The Anderson-Minshalls are well-known in the LGBTQ community as award-winning journalists and magazine editors. Together they run Retrograde Communications, an editorial agency whose projects battle racism, sexism, trans/bi/homophobia and more. They are the editor and deputy editor of both The Advocate and Plus magazines. 

Diane was destined for a career in journalism from childhood when at the age of 13 she began writing for the town newspaper. At 20, having left Idaho, she was offered the job of editor for the Crescent City Star, the weekly New Orleans gay newspaper. Diane would go on to become a pioneer in LGBTQ media. Early in her career she was told that coming out as a lesbian would ruin her career in mainstream media. So, she found her place in the LGBTQ media world where she could be free to be herself, often working for little or no pay and even living out of a VW bus for a year.  She freelanced for dozens of LGBTQ publications until becoming the editor of the feminist magazine, On Our Backs. She co-founded Girlfriends magazine, Alice magazine and later became editor-in-chief of Curve magazine before landing in Los Angeles as the editor of The Advocate. Diane says her passion for journalism “is a calling. It's not a job, it's a lifestyle and you have to really be committed to it. It's a form of activism. It's one of the purest forms of activism.”

Jacob worked in numerous positions at many of the same publications for years but then found himself yearning to work outside, so he became a park ranger. A debilitating work accident in 2003 left him unable to sit up for two years. He now walks with a cane and battles the pain from that injury daily. During his recovery, Diane bought him a laptop, which brought him back to writing fiction, something he had started in college. He wrote a mystery novel and began to freelance for magazines, often having to work from a prone position due to the incessant pain.

A few years after his injury and 16 years into their relationship, Jacob, finding the answer to something he seemed to be searching for all of his life, made the decision to transition. Diane had anticipated his decision and supported him through it, but they both wondered how it might impact her career. How does the editor of one of the largest lesbian magazines in the world, tell her staff and readers that she is now in a relationship with a man? Diane had identified as a lesbian her entire adult life, as did Jacob. They were ensconced in lesbian culture. They wondered if Diane would be fired. Was she going to lose her place in the lesbian world because her partner’s gender identity changed? This was new terrain to navigate. 

In many situations, Jacob’s new-found male privilege was both a blessing and a curse. In the lesbian world, he was suddenly treated differently. He was no longer one of them, no longer a collaborator. At other times, he was afforded a new level of respect and deference. Suddenly people talked directly to him instead of Diane. He was given the bill at restaurants. They co-authored a book about their experiences, Queerly Beloved: A Love Story Across Genders.

One of the most precious benefits of Jacob’s transition was their ability to finally be married…legally, because they were now an opposite sex couple. And for the first time, both of their families attended the ceremony. Their relationship of 16 years, despite all of the previous domestic partnerships and ceremonies, was suddenly validated by their families. 

Diane and Jacob have a few secrets to the longevity of their relationship, and one involves the location they chose for their portrait.  “We've had two rituals over our nearly three-decade marriage. One of them is to go get margaritas, chips and salsa when we're trying to make a decision. The other one is to go to hot water when we're trying to just be balanced.” Hot tubs or hot springs, it doesn’t matter. Hot water is sacred space for them. They find it relaxing, intimate and a relief from physical pain. It’s things like this that help them weather the storms, the peaks and valleys of any relationship of nearly 30 years. They managed to stay steadfast to each other. “We’ve got this bond, like the two of us facing things together, rather than facing them alone.”

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Rah & Silk

Ramari and Silk, otherwise known as King Rah and Prince Silk St. James, are on a mission to heal the world, and if that’s not possible, they will settle for spreading some love, joy, and excitement in their hometown of Appleton, Wisconsin.

Rah, a trans man, is currently a locksmith by trade. His wife, Silk, prefers “gender non-conforming, no label.” She is a hairstylist by day, a drag performer by night, and both are advocates for survivors of domestic violence.

They met in 2009 when Rah, sporting long hair and braids, went into Silk’s salon to have his hair done. Silk was immediately attracted to him but maintained professional decorum, not wanting to cross the client boundary. It was years later that they met again, their grocery carts passing each other as one was going into the store and one coming out. Silk took her chance and spoke up. They went out that night and have been inseparable ever since.

Rah and Silk have now been together for seven years and are raising the two-year old daughter of Silk’s youngest child. Their marriage is “like yin and yang. It’s like running water. We have ripples, but it keeps flowing.”  Rah says, “She respects my individuality and I respect hers and we're able to give each other that space and still at the end of the day, we come together as one.” 

Rah says that his transition has been an on-going process throughout his life. He has always had facial hair even without hormones and has always presented masculine. With Silk, he found the support to move forward with top surgery. She promised to be by his side. 

Rah’s first occupation was that of a social worker until he just could bear it no longer. Besides the stress and strain of that profession, he experienced a great deal of racial discrimination. After he began his transition, that escalated into overt sexual, racial and gender discrimination. Depending on the circumstances, people are not always happy to see a social worker at their door.  Now that he’s become a locksmith, people are thrilled when they see him coming at any time of the day or night.

Silk’s joy comes from her drag performances. She is sometimes a “diva,” but other times performs as a male illusionist, adopting the persona of “Prince Silk” St. James. Prince, the famous musician/artist, was androgynous and purple is her favorite color, so her stage name reflects her admiration. She has always posted her photo as half female, half male. In her 22 years of performing, her 4 children have seen her as male, female, and everything in between. This is normal life for them. Her choice of persona for a particular performance might be dictated by a cause or a particular venue, or it could be based on whatever she is feeling that day. “If I’m feeling feminine, nobody’s getting Prince Silk. They’re getting Miss Silky Divine.”

This particular spirit spins off into their home life as well. Rah says, “There are some days that I come home to a different person than I left. I might come home to a male, I might come home to a female. She might have blonde hair, or he might not have any hair. It’s an adventure. I support her in however she feels.”

Silk has also convinced Rah to try performing too, but he only performs as a male. He was surprised to find that being on stage and acting via a different persona boosted his self-confidence. It gave him the voice to speak out and advocate for transgender people. He became the first “King” of the Fox Valley Pride Festival.

Performance for Silk is both a form of advocacy and healing. Many of her performances will be aimed at spreading a message about domestic abuse or raising money for specific organizations.  Both she and Rah are victims of horrible domestic violence and find performing to be very therapeutic. In 2004, Silk was attacked by an ex-lover who stabbed her 26 times. She is currently writing a book entitled Please Don’t Let Me Die, where she describes how she has overcome being near blind in one eye and temporarily paralyzed, battled PTSD and depression, and finding the will to live on for the sake of her four children. 

Similarly, Rah was knifed in the back by an ex-lover, a blow that pierced his heart, punctured a lung, and left him paralyzed for a time. His marriage with Silk provides him an environment where he can continue to process his feelings around the memory of this horrible event. She gives him the opportunity to heal.  If he’s feeling particularly vulnerable one day, she gives him the space to be emotionally expressive. Through his advocacy, he now tries to let other trans men know that it’s ok to say you’ve been a victim, that it’s not emasculating to say you’ve been hurt.

Silk and Rah live by the motto that “art is life and life is art.” Through performing they are able to release feelings and emotions that they might not be able to express in a direct conversation. They have a saying, “Leave it on the stage.” That’s their healing process. “Whatever you’re going through, you work it out on the stage, and you leave it there. You come out feeling renewed.” They will encourage anyone in the audience to try performing, whether through song, dance or the spoken word. Silk says that she puts her emotions into her craft, and she has seen other people blossom by doing the same. 

Their love and dedication to each other is tattooed on their wrists along with their wedding date. 

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Trystan & Biff

On a rainy day in Portland, Oregon, I had the opportunity to spend some time with Trystan Angel Reese, Biff Chaplow and their three children, Lucas, Hailey and Leo. It’s a busy chaotic household but one full of growing, learning, creativity and love. And as if that’s not enough, these two men focus their time on socially conscious causes.

Trystan is the Director of Family Formation at the Family Equality Council, an organization that works to ensure the rights of caring, loving parents in the LGBTQ+ community. He also works to educate the public about transgender issues via lectures and workshops. Biff, “for work and pleasure,” stays at home to care for the children and works for “Beyond These Walls,” an organization that supports LGBTQ+ prisoners.

Trystan and Biff met at a brunch while living in Los Angeles. The “vanity” of the gay male scene there was not something that interested either of them.  Biff found Trystan refreshingly different, “interesting, compelling and exciting.” Trystan thought Biff was “the most beautiful person I’ve ever seen in my life,” as well as “super smart and emotionally brilliant.” He fell in love with him watching how he engaged as a community leader for those in need.

The excitement of their new relationship came to a jarring halt one night in 2011 when a social worker called to say that within two days, they would be placing Biff’s sister’s children into foster care…unless he could take them and care for them. Lucas, age 3, and Hailey,13 months, had been living in an environment where their basic needs were not being met. The uncles stepped in for what was to be a temporary solution. They rescued the children and rushed to buy them clothes, shoes, diapers, and a bed. They went from living their own lives to the frenetic pace of having two small children all within the first year of dating. They were 25 and 27 years old.

Without full legal rights to make even medical decisions for the children, the situation became complicated. As things became more volatile with the sister and her drug use, Trystan and Biff made the decision to seek permanent guardianship. “It was an arduous, 4-year journey of trauma and pain and heartache” as they battled with family and endured multiple investigation from social workers. After winning their case, they moved to Portland, Oregon to give the kids a fresh start.

Trystan claims that he “fell in love with Biff a second time when I got to see him raising our kids.” In 2013, they were married in a small ceremony in their parents’ backyard where they made vows not only to each other but also to Lucas and Hailey. “We will give you a beautiful life, one filled with laughter and love. We will do our best to guide you while respecting your individuality.  We accept that you are not ‘ours.’ You have been entrusted to us by the Universe, and it is a sacred calling to care for you. We promise that we will do our best to live up to this duty we have been given. We love you to the ends of the earth and beyond. For as long as we live, we will care for you and love you and keep you safe at all costs. With these words, we bind our lives to yours.”

Shortly after the kids were out of the toddler stage, Trystan brought up the idea of them growing their family by making a biological child...before Lucas and Hailey were in their teens. Many people might question why a trans man would want to be pregnant. Trystan actually found excitement in the science of carrying a child, “how we grow other people and the developmental stages” of pregnancy. He was fascinated. Their son, Leo, was born in July of 2017.

Their experience with the medical community in Portland was very professional, a smooth and positive experience. Trystan explains that, “most trans people have very complicated relationships to the medical community. Roughly 26% of trans people have been denied medical care. For that reason, 22% of births to transgender people happen outside of a hospital setting.” These men had few issues and feel blessed with how they were treated.

When asked about parenting, Biff says, “It just feels so sacred to be entrusted with a life, with like literally somebody's life and the things that you do will shape things far into their future. That's feels really sacred. It feels like a privilege...and they're cute.” 

For Trystan, “Most generations of queer people before us have never been able to do what we've done. Not just adopt kids but have a biological kid. We're really, really lucky that we live in this time and place, because in any other generation before us, this would have been very close to impossible.” 

While their family may seem unusual to some, queer couples have been creating families in different ways for hundreds of years because we were often rejected by our birth families. Trystan says that “what we’re doing is what queers have always done, which is taking the pieces that are given to us and making something beautiful out of it. We happen to be two men, and there’s a uterus and eggs and sperm between the two of us, so cool, let’s make something with that! We had two kids who’d had a difficult situation be sort of thrust into our life. OK, let’s make something of it. It’s what queers have always done, and we’re carrying on the proud tradition.”

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Shraddha & Tyler

Tyler J. Titus and his wife, Shraddha, both have careers in social work. He is a private practice therapist, a doctoral student at USC, a trauma-informed community leader, an advocate for the under-served, and the first out elected transgender official in the state of Pennsylvania. Shraddha, who grew up in India, is an assistant professor in the social work program at Edinboro University near their home in Erie.

They were first introduced by friends shorty before Shraddha went back to India for a month-long visit. She had only recently arrived in the US to begin her teaching position. The dialogue that they began was continued across the globe via “chat” through WhatsApp. That process of discovery was a veiled blessing according to Shraddha. “We got to know each other as friends, and got to get a better idea of what our value systems were before we started dating. I think that made a big difference.” Tyler gave some insight into those value systems. “We are both really dedicated to speaking for those who don't have a voice and to identifying the systems that are oppressing people and holding them down.” Shraddha continues, “We can use our privilege as well as our experiences with oppression and exposure to trauma to create a safer world for everybody.”

Tyler has 50/50 custody of his two sons, ages 10 and 5, from a previous relationship. Shraddha admits, “Before we met, I never wanted to have children. I never imagined that I would live with pets, and I wasn't sure that I wanted to get married. Within a year we married. I have two stepchildren that I love and two dogs and two cats that I love too. He is very convincing.” She describes her husband as kind, passionate, handsome and very brave. “He keeps fighting. He doesn’t give up. He fights to make the world a more equal place for everybody, a safer place for everybody.”

On the subject of transitioning, Tyler says, “It wasn't when I decided to transition. It was when I could no longer exist any other way. I had two suicide attempts prior to leaving high school, and I was on the verge of a third when I realized that it was my gender.” After he began his transition, everything just started falling into place. Today his mother is his biggest supporter and at the front and center of everything he does. Shraddha adds that her family, still in India, are also very supportive of their relationship.

The best thing about being transgender, Tyler admits, is having experienced life from two different perspectives. “I understand oppression on the level that most men do not get to understand. I understand what it's like to create and birth life. I understand the way that women get treated. And now I get to understand privilege in a whole new way. I used to have to fight for a seat at the table. Now, literally people have chairs just sitting there waiting for me.” But the worst thing is that he feels like the fight is never done. “I would like some days just to wake up and not have to fight to be a valid person in our society. I would like to just relax and know that trans youth aren't killing themselves.”

Tyler’s political career came as a surprise result of a lunch conversation with a friend. He was a clinical therapist for foster kids and was watching them systematically fall through the cracks. The schools were failing them. His lunch companion challenged him to do something, to be that person to make a change, and within 72 hours, he found his name on the ballot for Erie City School Board. Almost as quick, he was removed from the ballot due to a filing error on his part, yet still managed to win the election by convincing the voters to “write in” his name. That’s a pretty impressive effort for a first-time political campaign by anyone, not just a transgender man.  One might be surprised to learn that Tyler has actually been embraced as a transgender man in conservative western Pennsylvania. As a public servant, he claims he has faced more opposition as a democrat than as a transgender person. His new position gives him a phenomenal platform and opportunity to make change in a troubled school system.

Shraddha and Tyler have a small group of 6 very close friends who gather together for what they call “theology on tap.” They go sit at a bar with a pile of very philosophical questions and debate the answers while drinking beer. They have “brilliant discussions” about God, assisted suicide and other thought provoking and ethical topics, all in good fun. The results often give rise to new ideas or projects and bring new awareness and perspectives. Shraddha loves them. They suit the serious aspects of her personality. She says, “I’ve found my group of people.”

When it comes to their relationship, Shraddha and Tyler have literally crossed the world breaking down any barriers to a successful marriage. Shraddha doesn’t just see him as male. She sees him as a trans male and honors that history. He sees her as not just a woman, but a brown woman, and he honors her heritage and experience. They started at a place of respect for each other and see each other for the person they are, the person they wish to become and the future they hope to have together. Tyler concludes, “I think as a couple, when you are able to honor each other’s history, and lift it up, you can do pretty amazing things.”

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Zackary & Jerid

Zackary Drucker is an independent artist, cultural producer, film director and transgender woman who breaks down the way we think about gender, sexuality and seeing. In addition to performing and exhibiting her work internationally, she is an Emmy-nominated producer for the documentary series, This is Me, as well as a producer on the Golden Globe and Emmy-winning, Amazon series, Transparent. In 2014, the photographs and film she created with then-partner, Rhys Ernst, documenting their mutual transitions, was included in the prestigious Whitney Biennial.  

Jerid Bartow is a highly sought-after urban designer in LA, whose projects consist of redeveloping industrial land and renovating large warehouses in urban areas. He is an avid traveler, gardener, and cyclist.

A chance encounter in 2008 was their first introduction, when Jerid happened to walk past a clandestine club/party where Zackary was working the door. He was immediately smitten. “She had mad style, androgynous and cool. Her warm smile, coupled with the most beautiful eyes, made me melt.”  Their paths continued to cross. After seeing her work and collaboration with Amos Mac in Translady Fanzine, Jerid decided to send her a Facebook message acknowledging that he was, indeed, a “fan.” Jerid recalls, “On an early date, we hiked to a summit high above the city called Mt. Disappointment. Our relationship together has been quite the opposite. The view has been spectacular.” He admits that from Zackary, he has learned that “love transcends gender. Love transcends labels.”

To Zackary, “love is why we exist. I think that to create art and to love other people and to love another person is the purpose of human existence. Everything else comes after that. Every time we love a person, we are creating something completely new that has never existed before, because in every configuration, it's a completely different organization and structure. Creating art is, as well, and I think that it's our most noble occupation and purpose.”

As a genderqueer teenager growing up in Syracuse, NY, Zackary had no access to queer subcultures that would eventually fuel her personally and artistically.  Art became a way for her to break the bonds of physical reality. “Photography saved my life.” Drucker states, “As an adolescent, I discovered that by taking a Polaroid picture of myself dressed as a girl, I could escape the confines of boyhood. I have continued to use photography as a way to verify my existence and to see myself, my relationships, my evolution.”

Zackary “found her people in the world of film,” particularly the 1996 documentary Wigstock, which she watched repeatedly, mesmerized by the trans women. At 14, she first learned the word “transgender” after discovering the book, Gender Outlaw, by trans legend and now friend, Kate Bornstein. After wearing a dress to her prom and moving to New York City the week after graduating high school, Zackary launched into a world of discovering the essence of her being. “The year I moved to New York, I didn’t have $20 to get into the actual Wigstock drag festival, but I had a camera and film. I stood outside the gates to photograph performers and festival goers as they left, which felt as awkward as it sounds, until I laid eyes on Mother Flawless Sabrina,” legend in the transgender community and a local celebrity. Until her death in 2017, Flawless Sabrina, who Zackary refers to as her “grandmother,” became her mentor, providing inspiration to her work as an artist and validation to her future as a transgender woman.  She continues, “Before I met Sabrina, I hadn't imagined myself as an elderly person because I really hadn't seen a gender nonconforming elder. She was the first person.”

Zackary remains dedicated to the memory of Flawless Sabrina and other “transcestors” who have paved the way through a multi-generation battle for transgender rights and acknowledges her own place as a role model for younger transgender women and men. “Today we are a world away from where I started and another world away from where my grandmother, Flawless Sabrina, started, where it was illegal for her to walk down the street in a dress. We can evolve rapidly or that evolution can be stifled rapidly. I think this is a moment that demands our vigilance and our engagement. It's not a time when anyone has the luxury of being apolitical or apathetic.”

In the younger generations, Zackary finds hope and inspiration. Her advice to them: “I think that love will find you if you're open, if you're ethically sound, if you're making ethical decisions by your own mind about who you are. Be true to yourself. Be true to the people around you, and love will find you.”

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Ja’Mel & Alphonso

There is an aura of energy around Ja’Mel and Alphonso that is difficult to describe. When you are in their presence, things vibrate on a different level. It’s intense. It’s glorious, and it’s intoxicating. I never wanted our time together to end.

It’s rather fitting that they met at church. Ja’Mel remembers, “The first time Alphonso hugged me, that was a very electrifying moment that also repelled me. I had never been in a relationship with a man before, and it was almost like I instantly fell in love with him in that hug, and I had no idea what to do with it.” There’s a moment in the black church where the congregation hugs their neighbors, sharing some love. Alphonso, a minister in training, traveled to the far side of the church to embrace Ja’Mel, who further remembers, “I was watching him throughout the service. He just had this aura about him, and he was so into the worship. It was just beautiful to watch.” Alphonso adds, “he has the exact same aura. He very much releases himself in church and allows the spirit to really take over, and that is really the purpose of the church. You can feel that energy when somebody fully surrenders. So yes, I wanted to go get my hug.”

They both attest that “from the first time we met, it was just electrified.” Alphonso considers this relationship different from previous ones “because it started off with honesty and complete transparency.”

Ja’Mel finds this relationship “freeing” because it’s not about “ownership.” Through previous relationships, once he transitioned, he “felt this need to be hyper-masculine. I realized that it came off as toxic masculinity. I needed to be right. I needed to be strong. I needed to be dominant. I denied myself all the softness, femininity, and things that truly make me a whole human being. When I met Alphonso, I felt so comfortable that it didn't matter anymore if my voice got higher or if I spoke a lot with my hands. There wasn't a need for me to put on a show, and that was very freeing for me. Before, I was so hell-bent on being the provider and the protector that I would choose people that would use me. I'm trans. I'm living with HIV. I'm short, and I'm chunky, all factors that I felt were stacked against me. So, I felt like I had to settle and accept whoever would tolerate me. Now, I don't feel judged. I feel more secure in myself. I feel like I have a partner.”

Ja’Mel is “an actor by trade, an entrepreneur by choice, and an educator by gift.” Alphonso is a social worker, “technically, a community health worker for a non-profit organization assisting people living with HIV.” Both are activists in the HIV field. Ja’Mel was born HIV positive and has been an advocate for others most of his life. Alphonso, who considers himself two-spirit, was diagnosed in 2012. He is also a patient ambassador, traveling the country, telling his “story of living with HIV to empower other people to stay engaged in care.” When first diagnosed, he felt stigmatized and fell into a deep depression. But a severe auto accident awakened him to the realization that his life has a purpose. He now uses his “story of overcoming, letting go of shame and stigma” and loving himself again to help others. He can be seen on a prime-time TV commercial for an HIV medication that shows people “it is possible to have a joyful life, achieve your dreams” and still be “worthy of love, pleasure, and hope.”

Alphonso, who identifies as two-spirit, remembers meeting Ja’Mel “around the time I was figuring out how I wanted to express my gender, giving more light to the feminine side, wearing heels, wearing a skirt. Ja’Mel loved me no less for it, and that was the powerful part for me. Meeting somebody that is able to love all of me, however I present, was never something I thought would be tangible. It’s been life-changing and has given me the space and room to be whom I want to be. I don't conform to either masculinity or femininity. I allow both to express themselves however they choose.”

Spirituality plays a huge role in this relationship, emphasizing the personal relationship with God as opposed to organized religion. They are only at home in a church that is affirming to ALL of God’s children, finding solace and wisdom from walks in nature and strength in honesty and communication. “So much of our relationship is about understanding. We must evolve individually and together and be intentional about that. Once we’re done with ourselves, we come back together to create a plan for our life together.”

In 2022, that plan included the birth of their biological son, Sea Cannon. While they are currently addressing the child using he/him pronouns, “We want Sea always to know whomever Sea decides to be is perfectly divine.”

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Coming Soon

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Z & Jabari

“I think we are often scared of love, especially when it doesn’t look how we think it should be or how we set the standards, but when you find that person who is all of the things that you never knew you needed….” This is how Z Shane Zaldivar describes falling in love with a man for the first time after having only dated women his entire life. “I didn’t know that I’d need a guy who’s six foot three and wears kilts.”

Z and Jabari, colorful figures in the East Nashville LGBTQ+ community, chose to be photographed at The Lipstick Lounge, “A Bar for Humans.” In addition to being one of fewer than 20 remaining lesbian bars in the country, this favorite watering hole is where they spent time that first night, making it an apt location for our portrait session. Jabari remembers, “I met him one night, and he never went away.”

Z, an indigenous Mesoamerican descending from a Mayan tribe in the Yucatan, and Jabari, a self-proclaimed “mutt,” hailing from a family that includes a white great-grandmother with blonde hair and blue eyes and a grandfather who was African Indian, both currently work in the restaurant industry.

After leaving the Marines Corps in a “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” honorable discharge and then beginning his transition in 2004, Z became involved in advocacy work and has fought numerous battles on the political and social justice warfronts, helping to pass multiple bills on behalf of the transgender and LGBTQ+ communities. He is also an ecumenical, nondenominational pastor. Jabari also hails from a family of activists.

Throughout his life, Z had “only dated cis lesbians, mostly white at that.” But when he was introduced to Jabari, “the first thing I noticed were his eyes. There was just a kindness. I had never dated a guy before and didn’t even know how to start. It’s the oddest thing that I’ve never felt more comfortable or more masculine than being in a relationship with another masculine energy.” After a failed 15-year relationship with a woman, Z thought he would be content to invest in himself, but along came Jabari. “I realized that maybe Jabari was the change I was looking for, and I didn’t even know it. Z left what he refers to as a “box of ultra-toxic masculinity” where there was a tendency to believe that to be a man, one needed to “completely transition from one box to another,” including having a “wife, house, white picket fence, kids, dog, etc.” When he met Jabari, he was “blessed that Spirit knew my intention, and l let go of any preconceived notions of what my life should be like. I’ve never been happier and, honestly, felt more queer in my life.”

Z and Jabari claim that the strength of their relationship is the “foundation of radical honesty and consent.” Z explains, “We interact differently than I’ve ever interacted in any of my cishet-perceived relationships. It’s more freeing.” Jabari says, “I’m wearing a kilt today, but tomorrow I might be a lumberjack. This relationship is just different. I’ve never wanted to spend as much time with a human being as I do with Z. He’s a very positive influence in my life. He actually listens all the time, and he’s just absolutely flipping adorable.”

The depth of this love resulted in a proposal and marriage in the fall of 2020.

As free as they feel in their relationship and in the LGBTQ+ community of East Nashville, they have both experienced the fear of being stopped by police for, as Jabari claims, “walking while black.” Walking home from The Lipstick one night, they were stopped and spotlighted in their own backyard. Z: “Anytime we walk out that door, we’re not guaranteed to walk back through it. That’s just the reality we live with. Being a trans man and a man of color, I have to worry about my initial interaction with law enforcement and what happens after that. I have to worry about my trans identity and what kind of danger that will put me in.”

Fortunately, no interaction with the law has resulted in arrest or physical harm. However, Jabari was seriously injured when hit by a car in a Nashville crosswalk, resulting in severe fractures in both legs and left elbow and multiple contusions. The local TV news station interviewed Z, and you could see the tears in his eyes as he realized how close he came to losing his husband. Two things are for sure: the strength of their love will pull them through, and Z will be fighting the city to improve the safety of pedestrians.Coming soon